I had a break in once, yeah. Shit. 1993. I'm just minding my own business on the door mat, and some punk pops his head through the doggy-flap, and i'm fast asleep, I been dreaming about getting a job at the waffle house, and this fucker pokes his head through the flap. We just look at each other like – EURgH! - Then - I remember what I'm supposed to do, so I try and show my teeth -
(to a woman hysterically laughing in the crowd): yeah, this one knows what i'm talking about – you don't look like you could guard the goldfish though honey, no offence, but you hysterical even now!-
so anyway, I try and show my teeth, but i've been asleep, right, so my mouth is kind of dry, so I end up doing a sort of gummy smile, like that nice old guy next door, like (shows them).
You know, the thing about being the guard dog is, you are on the front line. The front line. And if all you can muster on the front line is (does the smile again) a mouth full of gum, then you got to step down. I mean seriously. You got to start thinking about engineering a altercation with a moving vehicle because, I mean, you aint worth shit to them. You a dead weight, man.
Cos we on the front line, am I right? We got the mus-cle! Yeah! We not gonna worry about being all politically correct, ask the punk who he's looking for through the doggy flap like that, we gonna tell him to BACK OFF. That's what they need us for...
Lady I got, she is a hoot.
Oh my god...
Anyone else living with a hoo – a FUCKING NUT CASE?
(laughs from the audience. dramatic pause)
She comes back one day, she has bought me a jacket.
I look at her, I'm like : you're joking right?
This is not just any jacket. It's got a hood. A hood.
I'm like, lady, if you wanted a kid you should have shaved under your arms and got out there! Aint my fault.. know what i'm saying?
Amen right?
(laughs)
So she puts me in this jacket and takes me out for a walk. (mortified look on his face)
And I'm just trying to keep my tail hanging low over my ass. Because you aint never more naked when you've got a jacket on but your asshole hanging out. And she is proud as punch, hell my asshole aint bothering her, she just wants people to see how cute we look together. Because – get this – we're both wearing the exact same shade of magenta. I kid you fuckin not.
(he lets the laughter die down)
I been living with this woman for 10 years. One woman, ten years. I'm a one woman dawg. Not by choice, cos she lock me up at night.That's what they do to black dogs now, yeah, they lock em up. Ginger and Bruno down at the park like, what happened to Jet, man? He on curfew, dog. He can't be trusted. He gets his nose into everything.
It is intense. Isn't it? It is. We so in sync she does a fart, I take a shit. Know what i'm saying?
Hell.
I'm too attached...
Her husband left her, recently.
No, there's no punch line to that. That shit just plain sad.
I'm the man of the house now. (does the gummy smile).
I let her come to my football group, I'm pleased to do it you know, gets her out the house. She don't like going out. I hear her on the phone, telling people she can't come visit cos she got me.
I'm like lady, go out! I'll be fine! Hell, I'll be better than fine. Some time to myself. I can sing, go look in the mirror, you know.
I feel guilty till I realise - she don' wanna go, right! I'm just an excuse! I'm just collatoral!
Jesus H Christ, but they make things complicated. Don't they?
Her son comes over once in a while. He and I we sit there looking at each other. He's saying to me, thank you. Thank you. I can see it. I'm like, the best thing that ever happened to that kid. He wouldn't be able to spend his weekends at no medieval-themed swinging retreats if it wasn't for me.
Hell yeah! I'm a gift to that kid!
Silence.
Yeah, I'll look after her. I'll sit with her while she cries, while she gets up and down ten times before she remembers what she's doing. Days coming and going like a light flashing on and off.
I know what she goes through. There's no difference between her and me anymore.
As if suddenly waking up.
Look lady, I'll do it as long as I can, But you're going to have to take yourself for a walk soon. I'll be in heaven flipping a thousand waffles... i'll have my nose in everything.
Hell yeah, it's complicated.
A look of anguish as he looks at the floor.